Friday, May 18, 2007

Oh my babies!

I turned into a giant, sappy, weeping, boo-hooing, blubbering thing this morning! (Yeah, ok, Tracy - that's not all that far from normal - I get it! Now hush you, I'm trying to blog!) Anyhoo - so here is how the whole messy thing got started!

Patrick needed to take some Coke to school today for a party, so when I called Mark to ask him to pick it up and he asked how much, I told him to get a 12-pack, because I was feeling extra sweet. That's just how I am. You know how when you get them a 2-liter and they fuss and moan and complain - "Aw, MOM! Why a 2-liter? That's all we get?!" And I thought, let's spoil the boy and his friends, let's get them a 12-pack! So that is what Mark brought home - to a disappointed Patrick! What?! How did I go wrong now? He comes to me and says, "MOM! Why did you tell him to get a box?!" (Funny way for him to put it, huh?) At which point, I explained to him that I did so because I am the sweetest momma ever! He wasn't buying it. The problem was, the child rides the bus to school. Oh yeah! Oops! I told him to ask his father to drop it off in the morning, but, he said he already did, and Mark said no. Rats. Then I realized that he didn't have his trumpet to carry because he left it at school, so he could just substitute the Coke for the trumpet. What a perfect plan! But - he decided to cram that big 'ol box in his backpack! Well, ok, if that works for you - fine.

So see - where this all gets sappy is after the boy leaves for school and I start to ponder aloud why this all was such an issue to begin with. (Hi Tracy!Winking 2) And the thing is, that I am just so used to my taking them to school. Me: "I mean, heck, me - this is that boy's 8th year of going to school and for the first 7 of those, I was driving him to school. Did I just say eight? Oh my gosh!!! It seemed like forever I was waiting for that child to start school, *deep breath* because I was so excited about it and I knew how much fun it would be for both of us - his meeting lots of friends and learning lots of cool stuff, my being Room Mom and doing PTA - *double deep breath* little sack lunches! And now he's finishing up his EIGHTH year of school!!! LISA! Stop it! Get a hold of yourself! No time for breaking down, gotta get two more kids on their bus! Ok, ok, I'm ok. I've got it. I'm cool. Really. No problem." *quiet whimper*

That was PART I of the morning sloppiness. Then I make sure the other two are fed, and ready, and have everything they need, go outside with them to wait for their bus - and they're off! And I come back in to get to work. All's good. Right?

Well, see - Mark went and developed some film yesterday. Yeah, you know - those rolls of film that you leave for say, uh ... five or six years or so! Come on - you know you've done it, too! And he and the kids were looking at them and talking about them last night. I didn't even go in the room, I didn't consciously know why....but, now ....I do.

I have to walk through the dining room repeatedly throughout the day - letting the dog out, letting the dog back in, going to the bathroom, etc. And each time I went through I noticed that Mark has an envelope of pictures on the table with the pictures actually out of the envelope, sitting on top of it. But I avoid looking at them. I can see that it is from an Indian Guide or Indian Princess campout and it therefore has nothing to do with me, anyway - right?

And then - I caved. I walked over and picked them up and began looking. So far - no big deal. Dads sitting around the fire, a lake, trucks in the parking lot - no biggy, I'm cool. And then ... then ... I see it. It's Mark and Sammie - and I can tell it is from her first year - kindergarten. *deep, deep breath* I'm ok, I can look at these - I'm fine, but, oh my God - she's so cute! (Aw crap, now I'm crying just typing this shit out!) Anyway, I look at one or two more pics, and then I just have to put them up and not look at anymore! The girl is about to be in FIFTH GRADE! WTF???? I know, I shouldn't say WTF in reference to my children, but, I just can't help it!

I go back in the kitchen, attempt to dry my self up, and just get some more coffee and just get back to work. But I. can't. stop. crying. I. just. can't.

I know we all go through this, every mother that's ever lived on this planet - feels this all through her child's life. I know it. And it's funny because the mothers with older children (well, I'm this way, you might want to admit you are, too) - when they hear mothers of younger children go through it, have no sympathy for them, whatsoever. I think I was reading a blog or a message board recently, where a mom was so shocked and feeling sappy because her child was two - TWO! 'Shoot! That ain't nothin'!' ...I'm thinking. But then, I'm talking to some moms with older children - one of whom her first child is leaving home for the first time, and one of whom two of hers have already left. And I know, in response to me, they'd go, "Shoot! That ain't nothin'!" You don't - Ok, I don't remember - that those younger milestones were just as bittersweet.

I tell ya one milestone that I will always know the pain of, which makes no sense, as I was so looking forward to it - the first child going to kindergarten. Especially if your children never went to daycare. That one - though exciting, really smarts. (Hey, that's a funny pun - they're going to get some smarts, and it smarts!)

Anyway, I can't believe that I am the mother of a teenager, a teen in 4 months, and a preteen girl who hangs with older girls and thinks of herself as a teen already!

I love pictures, but, they are so hard for me. They always have been, even before I had kids. Are you like that? You love your pictures, and they might be what you grab first if you had to get out quick - but, looking at them turns you into an emotional nutcase?

Cuz .... that's me!
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