Thursday, May 24, 2007

Very sad nightmare

I had a really sad nightmare the other night and it really shook me up. I dreamt that Mark had died. It was truly, truly awful. I was completely devastated. My mother and the kids and I were standing in line waiting to see him, which is totally weird, anyway, right? We were waiting in line - behind other people? To see my own deceased husband? Odd. But, as we were standing there, I was really having trouble holding it together, and I felt like I couldn't breathe, and at one point, I just fell to the floor. I don't recall ever having had a dream that someone so close to me has died. So it really freaked me out and when I woke up, it took me several hours, maybe longer, to shake those icky feelings. And it was weird because, as parents of young children, whenever we talk about it or think about if something were to happen to one of us, the first thought is how to continue on financially, etc - without the other. Taking care of the children - that is the first thing we address whenever it is talked about. And you think that you would kick into high gear - like 'ok, what do I need to do now? what's next? how do I take care of the children?' You know - like a business, business, business attitude. And we do have death insurance on Mark, but, in the dream - there was NONE of that - not a drop of it. I guess when you're constantly bickering with someone, you don't think that their death would affect you so deeply. But perhaps - that is why you are still bickering with someone after all these years - because of how profoundly they affect you and also their death would affect you.
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