I go into my little boys' room to wake up the older one this morning....and there in the bed .....
is a young man!
Where did he come from?
The more he grows, the less I know....
I mean, well, lemme start from the beginning...
All my life - really - all my life - all I ever wanted was to have babies! My mother says that even as a young toddler (just barely no longer an infant myself) I would point out babies to her in restaurants with such joy and excitement! And it went on from there....
I would sit in class in high school, daydreaming of becoming a mother, writing out lists of names for my 'children'.
And it was all such a mystery to me...childbirth, motherhood, parenting, even just procreation itself...
And I was sure once I finally got there, the mystery would be revealed, I would be 'in the know'.
Funny thing is, the exact opposite happened. I had my first child - and I would spend those long, hot, fall days in Texas those first few months just in complete wonderment of this creature....that began in me!
Some weird, off-the-wall part of my brain, really thought that someone just dropped him off at the house so that I could take care of him. And each time that ridiculousness would wander through my loony head, I'd have to smack myself and yell, "Hey dummy! You birthed that thing!"
Then, of course, I had the other two children, and compounded the mystery further in my delicate psyche...
And then - there was hope! My darling sister-in-law invited me to witness the birth of my niece...something I've always longed to do, and it was so much more special because it was my sweet niece!
But - more importantly - the mystery would be solved! I would have some distance this time, but, still be so much a part of the whole birth process!
This was what I was waiting for my whole life! The answer! The golden chalice!
Guess what - wrong again! I became so completely overwhelmed the moment that precious being arrived - that I fell down on the chair behind me sobbing uncontrollably.
What a wuss I am....geez!
It may have helped a little bit, I must say....but, then once we got Suzie and Alex home and began caring for those two precious darlings - mother and child - the mystery clouded back over what little focus I thought I had on things!
So I resigned myself to it - this mystery...finally realizing that it shall probably remain until I move onto the next adventure.
I've accepted it. I'm cool with it. Now all is well, right?
No. Because, now you see - I am discovering that it all becomes much more mysterious as these creatures of ours grow and blossom.
What? More confusion? Yes. More confusion.
And it certainly doesn't help - or perhaps it is exactly what I need - that now we are living with hubby's side of the family - and over here we have quite a few older boy cousins. 14, 16, 16, 17, 19 -- and I have, of course, known these guys since they were munchkins. And now they are all tall, handsome young men with deep voices and all their own set of charms! These aren't even my kids, and they bring up so many emotions in me - gushing pride that they are such fine young men, shock that they are young men -- fear that my boys are quickly following in their footsteps.
And so when I went to awaken that 'child' of mine this morning, and he sleepily moaned at me, "What? Mom? It's time to get up?" and sort of sat up in his bed, I was overcome by the change in his voice, to the young man version...in its state of transition, on its way to becoming deep....and I was overcome at his teenage lankiness.....and I was supremely overcome by the 'youngman-ness' that has descended upon my precious 'little boy'.
And I realized that I know less with each year that passes, less about this mystery called life, less about motherhood, less about parenting these little children into young adulthood, and mostly, I fear, less about myself.