Monday, January 29, 2007

Fifteen years sober - whoa!

All I can say is Whoa! I am surprised I am even alive, to tell you the truth - by all accounts, like many of us, I shouldn't be!

But to be not only alive, but, living a productive life as a wife and mother...I am in total awe at the Power of God - when I let him work in my life.

God doesn't drive parked cars, so sure - I've had to be helpful to myself and to Him throughout the journey, but, I also know that He full well allows me to turn my back on him, if I so choose.

So with an ounce of cooperation, mustered only out of sheer desperation - I've come this far!

It is simply amazing to me that a girl with so many, many problems....*shudder*.....could be living the life I am living today.

Oh sure - I have my problems, everyone does. But that is the stuff of living. ...of which I was not doing. I wasn't living.

It was pure chaos, and it was utter Hell. But - it most assuredly was not living.

And so - in this new existence, having been rocketed to a new dimension, I am allowed to have the everyday problems of people living life. Of a woman married to a man. Of people raising children. *shudder, chills, and tears*

I am raising children. I am raising children.

My lifelong dream.

All I ever dreamed of and all I ever cared about was becoming a mother. I pointed out babies to my mother as a baby myself, and I was begging people to let me babysit long before I was ready or of the proper age.

And as messed up as my world was, I surely thought that dream would never come true.

Although my sobriety is between myself and God, there are two people without whom my sobriety would never have happened - my Momma and my Sammie.

They loved me when noone else would, and they knew I needed TLC when everyone else wanted to yell at me, scream at me, and rightly so, really. But you know when you are at the point where people are just so mad at you and so fed up with you? That point?

That point is just when Momma and Sammie knew I needed love.

Damn, they rock.
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