I just went down the street to watch Sammie walk home from her friend's house and I was STALKED, full-out STALKED, by this BIG, nay - GIANT, buzzing, stinging creature!!!
I am irrationally, out-of-control TERR-I-FIED of "stingers"! Even if they just look like they sting, I am afraid. The kids will sometimes be hollering at me, "Mom! That kind does NOT sting!" ...but, it is no use. I am cowering and trembling in some corner!
So I'm standing there, waiting for Sammie to show up (she was taking forever!) and this damn thing comes out of nowhere - I did NO-THING to upset it - it just came out of motherfreaking nowhere!
And do you know what it did? Do you know?! It C-I-R-C-L-E-D me. I am NOT kidding you! Circled me! Circled, I tell you!
And then, and then.... it LANDED ON ME!!!! At this point, I am working hard not to panic - and that is some feat, I tell you. I'm looking over my shoulder at this damn thing on my back, and it was so effing BIG, I was actually thinking, it just might be a locust. They are all over the place in Texas, although I've yet to see one here.
I am telling you - I was stuck. Just stuck. I know if I push it off of me, that constitutes 'messing with it' - and 'messing with it' leads to getting stung. But if I don't push it off of me, then...well, then...it's on me.
I know that I could just wait it out, and it might very well just leave. But breathing is already getting hard, and I don't think I can take it much longer.
So I pick up a stick and I gently push it off...
And do you wanna know what that damn thing does? Do you?
It C-I-R-C-L-E-D me! And landed on the back of my other shoulder and STUNG ME!!!!
It stung me. And let me tell you, there was no gentle about it, when the heinous monster was starting that crap - I swatted that sucker off of me so fast, that he didn't really even get a full 'sting' in!
And it doesn't really even hurt anymore. But, of course, I feel all tingly and nauseous, because I'm sure I must be dying. Aniphylactic shock, you know. It's too bad we don't have term life insurance on me! I could swear as I was walking up to the house, my chest was tightening up, but, by the time I sat down - that was fine. But the tingly and the nauseous - yeah, still there.
Little, creepy turds. It is so unfair that they should feed so much fear into me. So unfair.
I hold snakes - for gosh sakes. I'm cool, I'm strong - I'm one of those tough bitches.
Alright, alright - getta hold of yourselves, would ya? I know - I'm just a big, fat baby who wants to be one of those tough bitches!
Maybe I could just marry one, and get it out of my system.